Dysphoric Euphoria

Wrote 1835 words for a personal letter in just 30 mins at 4am in the morn. I might blog it. LOL

Listening to this song I can’t help but write you another update
I miss you a lot and though you’re a thousand miles away one convo with you makes me so much happier than hanging with so called friends
coz to be honest dear I think you might be one of the closest friends I would ever have, I know it’s sad.

I’ll start where we left off
I just realized right now I didn’t read your whole message about my blog
I Won’t change the 1^st song, bay.e da sila if they don’t know Gentleman Hall, I love the song.
And of course you love the songs half of em’ are from you-ish lol
and aw I love the fact that you read my blog, never really thanked you straight up for that, it’s such big deal.

(oops wait lang gn replay ko lang ang song.)

And I do apologize, I really do. Talkshit lang ko about your gifts, but I have a way of making up to you.
I know may blackbat ka na da but still. I’m a jerk for not giving it myself.

Okay after our last real convo, in Manila.
Okay so Big Thing. I’m not going to school, again.

Apparently it’s a mixture of my faults, wrong timing, and my mom.
In a complicated nutshell.

My mom booked a late flight the last day of course adjustment, the day where I was suppose to confirm my subjects and schedule so I could enroll.

They extended til Monday, that day I made my new sched coz the subjects I picked were already full meaning other people who adjusted before me took them. After I was happy with my eight subjects I ran to the office, I was 10 mins late and the office said tomorrow nlng, they closed at 5pm I came TEN MINS late, TEN MINS. Then the day after they said yesterday was the last day of submission.

I wanted to lie so bad to my mom, but I didn’t, guess how shockly mad she was when I told her. She did everything to convince them otherwise but the school said it would be unfair to the other students hinting that a lot of other people were in the same shoes I was

The other complicated thing is that she already made pre-made checks to my new home, the condorm, so we had to convince the owner that I couldn’t stay. She assured her though that I’ll be coming back next term and so the owner, kind as she was just told us to book a room when we come back.
oh it doesn’t stop there.

In doesn’t sound as clear as you would read, coz in between those were a lot of guilt tripping lessons from my mom, some tentative life changing decisions and just some plain drama like so:

The night I told my mom I couldn’t enroll she pondered the possibilities I could take,
One, I could enroll in a short course, culinary arts, which I planned on taking after graduating, hence switching it with my formal education
Two, I could transfer to La Salle Bacolod (ugh) since the enrollment for the year would start June 1st pa but then if I do that I would have to (wait the song stopped) get my transfer credentials, which in turn would mean I could never go back to Benilde, apparently you could only go to Benilde once, transfer out of there and they shund you if you ever try to go back.
which leaves us to number Three, leave an LOA (Leave of Absence) form were I would miss one term but still come back the next.

She decided  on the first choice saying that it wouldn’t be a waste and dad would be at least a little relieved that I would do something with my life and that it would stray away my dad from constantly shouting at my mom when she came back. The next day my mom changed her mind (what a surprise, NOT!) , tentative as she was I wasn’t prepared for it, my mindset was all for staying in manila this year.
So when she switched plans to number two while walking on the busy streets I walked faster until I lost them getting a hold of myself by being alone meeting up with “Marly” and bought some sting to chill by the side changge after that she called and said that we should talk hence where we decided to take the third and final choice even though (song stopped) it would mean a big mess when we get back home.
On a side note, the good part of our last day was the shopping, I didn’t expect after all that my mom would still give me anything, but she did, I finally have red pants (imagine me wearing this in Bacolod I’d instantly be tagged as gay =.=) (I sent you a pic sa Viber if you care)
anyways I love Topman now, and strangely enough I had an epiphany about fashion , I think I’m obsess with it now, but I wish I wasn’t coz it just leaves me with wanting things I can never have ( I know exagge but after what I’ve pulled off I don’t think my family would ever give me money or stuff ever again and I don’t even ask them anything now).

Anyways coming back to Bacolod, just as we expected, was a mess, btw all throughout this ordeal the only one who knows the story is “insert name here”, she’s the only one I told about everything, I dedicate my red pants to her.
Anyways I didn’t tell a soul for a week. I considered myself to be a hermit I didn’t want anyone to know, it’s stressful to repeat the reasons and to think about their same judgment it’s like an (song) unintentional guilt tripping, especially with my relatives, who although I love dearly and are nice (or rather think of them that way since I am really oblivious on what they truly are) but are really really chismoso with each other. It’s okay but I just can’t take more of what I’m already getting.
So my dad, we never talked after I came back and when he does take time to speak more than 10 words it is probably a list of noise, shouting or lectures  about how disappointed he is. Fair enough to liven up his anger I have to work at our shop. Which explains why I’m still up at 4am, I didn’t want to sleep and be late I already was absent yesterday although honestly it was worth it since I got at least 14 hours of much needed sleep. I work between 4-12, which depends if and when I can push myself to wake up and when people decided to leave work. I handle at least 100k day worth of debt =|

I think I missed some things but well; at least you get the picture.
On to some side stories:

“insert name here”, you know the oblivious bitch.
Well I wanted to cut things off; I mean how couldn’t I? It’s so hard to be with someone who you really love but doesn’t reciprocate the same feeling.
I’d rather leave and get hurt than stay and get even more hurt.
Pero I didn’t tell him that, heck, I didn’t tell him anything.
What probably hurt more was that he had no care when I told him. Which was fine since his world doesn’t revolve around me nor he could not possibly live without me as a friend or whatever I am to him (I never knew). (song)
Right now bahala na , it hurts my head when I think of him, when I think of things he does.
I’ve been protecting him but it seems as though he actually likes the things I protect him from, then fine. I can no longer stop him; I don’t have the right to.
So whatever then, I’d rather have someone who actually needs me there and actually misses me when I’m not.
Have I told you the first and only time he told me he loved me? It was when he snapped a rubber band that hit my eye (I know, pathetic, of all the times.)

Well the next thing was not telling my “friends” but right now around less than ten know about it, partly because I couldn’t take being a hermit anymore (which btw explains why I deactivated my account for a while, I actually figured I can live without facebook, I actually hate facebook, if it wasn’t the only site I can upload a bunch of pictures in or if it isn’t the only way to actually reach you I wouldn’t be here.) I wanted to be selfish for a while and I liked it what I couldn’t take was feeling really sad; I needed some strength I guess and of course I couldn’t take being without you there.
I also didn’t tell anyone coz I didn’t know what to say, they all expected me to be gone, I have no idea what they would think, good or bad I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to care. (song)

The day before yesterday I just told my sister I wanted a photoshoot out of nowhere and we did sa NGC
nka private ang pics coz I’m so damn ugly, same with the other album where I broke into a clubhouse and pool to go night swimming, I wore nothing but boxer briefs and had ice cream on my face after.

I have been a whole lot active on twitter though, gawd speaking of twitter my tumblr crush, IDK, wala ya pa ko dypun na notice, IDK if I should give up or keep chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere, K.

so yeah, that’s happened in the past week and a half.

Now it’s your turn, whats up?
Of course I know some things but I want you to tell me your whole story.
I miss you so much, now if there is any way you could spare some time for me away from Toni I would love you even more. Lels.

Lovingly yours, Manenay Nate.

P.S. I’m missing some stuff but I can’t think anymore lol

and I told you I wouldn’t write a fucking long message on your bday but I kinda did, on Viber.
I just didn’t want you to expect a long one from me lels, we have many more years for those.
I just wrote this coz I really miss you and gusto tka tampa.on for your absence throughout this drama.

( I know, usually my type-o’s ko or missing words, pero anad ka naman siguro, I type really fast as it comes out of my thoughts and I’m to fucking lazy to reread what I’ve typed, kabalo ko mprocess man dypun sng brain mo ang mga gina sulat ko, so I’ll be off to work in a few, adieu) (song)

gawd how I love you indhai. Lels.


XOXO